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Random Thoughts #1

Sometimes, I just want to write. There isn't a particular thing I want to talk about or just one thought on my mind, and I just feel like writing how I feel. Whether I post this or keep it on private, I don't know but sometimes you just have to put your thoughts somewhere other than stuck in your head. This will probably end up being of such poor structure because I'm basically just slapping words onto a page. Being out of school, I definitely have had a lot of time on my hands to think. Some good thoughts, some not so good. But that's OK. That's normal right? That's how you know you're growing as a person.

Recently it has crossed my mind how hard it is nowadays to be a teenage girl in this society. There are so many expectations to live up to and so many stereotypes everyone wants you to fit. I feel like 2016 has been such a good year for me to learn about myself. I've learnt so much in just 7 months. I've learnt to love who I am and not try to fit the stereotypes out there, which is something I would never have believed just 2 years ago. I've really had this sudden burst of confidence this year which A LOT of people have commented on. I told myself when it struck midnight that I was going to make it my year, and it's been the only new years resolution I have ever stuck to.

I've never really had a problem with making friends but I'd never really had an opportunity to either. Of course I had school, but that was all I had. All my school friends knew people outside of school and had other friends to go out with but they were all I had. I guess that was the main reason why I wanted to do NCS so badly. No word of a lie, I was more upset finishing the program than when I left high school. I made some of the best friends whilst on the program and I can talk to them about literally anything. NCS was the best decision I ever decided to do!

It's been really eye opening, hearing all their stories. It's made me think about the future...quite a lot actually. Not anything too serious, just what I want to do next and what I want to do after results day etc. I worked so so hard during exam season and I'm so anxious to know if the work has paid off. I've always been school focused and it feels really weird to know that I'm finally going to know how i did in exams. Grades have always been a personal thing to me. I used to have a set plan on what I wanted and when I wanted it. I knew what i wanted to be, where I wanted to go. Now, i just don't. I know what I'm heading towards but I'm also 70% sure that it will change. I don't even know what college I want to attend. I have a place somewhere but I just don't feel "at home" there. I've been thinking about it quite a bit and I'm probably going to just go there as it's only 2 years. University is the thing I'm going to think DEEPLY about. I really want to have as much options as possible. As long as my A-levels go well, I'm not too fussed about where I go. University is obviously different because you have more opportunities and more memories to be made.

Another thing I've really thought about is the whole "relationship" thing. I'm not the type to really think about it at my age, but growing up, it's obviously cross my mind. The thing about me is that I'm all or nothing. Most people my age just go with how they feel and that's it, but I just see it as so much more complicated. I'm so not ready for all of that. I've been told I'm really mature for my age, which is why I probably think that way. Also talking to my parents and hearing how much you need to work at marriage and relationships, I'd just rather wait for the "right person". Why go through all the drama and heartbreaks when you can just find the one person you're meant to be with. Then of course there's the obvious. My parents. They're obviously not so keen on me being with anyone whilst I'm still young. I don't even know anymore xD I'll stop now because it's getting way too deep. But then again, it's just random thoughts.

It's strange because I always assumed I'd be really busy and adventurous this summer as its the longest summer i'll ever have, but after NCS I feel like I've been so lazy! It's not even that I don't want to do anything, it's that my friends always seem to be busy when ever I have free time and I don't feel like going out by myself, so I just stay at home. However, starting from Friday, my summer is finally going to be interesting since, my parents have booked 2 weeks off work, so I can spend a lot of time with family. We''re planning to spend a few days in London and hopefully go on holiday. I'm really looking forward to it.

I feel really bad about not posting as much as I wanted to this summer. I did a whole Snapchat rant about my reasons for it. I don't want to repeat so I'll just summarize it. Basically, I just haven't had the motivation to write original and creative content, and whenever I do, it just doesn't go to plan. I really wanted to post as much as possible and be proud of all of them, but I just feel like what I have produced hasn't been good enough. With some posts, I was bored writing them, so you guys must have been bored reading them. These sort of deep thought posts seem to be what i enjoy most. I genuinely get passionate when I just say whatever comes to mind. I didn't plan any of this, I'm sort of just writing whatever. However that's not always what other people enjoy, which is why a lot of my posts have been planned to the point. I think i just need to be more free with what I post. That way i still enjoy everything I post, and hopefully people want to read them.

If you have been reading my posts recently, thank you for sticking around. I'm sorry that they haven't been the best. Just know that I'm trying.

Thanks for reading this random thoughts...thing.  I hope you liked reading it and hopefully I'm not alone with some of it to. It would be nice to know that someone can relate.

Have a good day! x

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